mini review: chuck

whatever, it's not a terrible show. the whole "loser with doctor sibling married to another doctor" element doesn't not strike a nerve if you're, say, me. and while it would be unwise to go over this show (about a nerd who has the nation's secrets transfered into his brain) with a fact-toothed comb, as it were, one key element of the show does need clarifying.

'cause i can ignore the whole "supercomputer of stock footage" that's supposed to hold encrypted intel, and the use of those amazing hollywood computers that just say words against a black screen and don't seem to run on any operating system, *and* the fact that our protagonist and his date/fbi-agent-in-pursuit appear at one point to be walking around LA at night, like, on purpose (not even homeless people do this, and when i do it, people look at me like i'm a mentally ill unicorn covered with AIDS).

but let's just get one thing straight-- real-life versions of our protag, chuck, are not hot (tm). real-life versions of seth cohen, the chuck of the OC, are not hot (tm). and i say hot (tm) because plenty of dudes like that are cute-- attractive, even-- but only if you don't mind mediocre hygiene, the physique of an albino mole, and constant references to world of warcraft (and chuck's best friend is more standard issue annoying sidekick than a real deal haverchuck, so no dice). but that's not the conventional hot (tm) that most of the world craves; if anything, compu-dudes aren't even ugly, they're just invisible. the way girls who pull their hair back and don't have "PINK" written on their asses tend to fade into the scenery.

(and really, why not just buy sweatpants that have an ass emboldened with the words "SEX HOLES"? or just "ANAL"? or if you want to keep it even more real, "BROWN"? i think, as a general rule, an ass is a poor conduit for communication, but if you've ever gone hiking in LA, you know that mine is not the popular opinion.)

(oh! other tangent-- i'm sure that being named sheldon or leonard will get you made fun of as a kid and maybe crush your self-esteem enough to land you in a dork caste, but having a nerd name doesn't guarantee you'll actually be smart/nerd-worthy; surely there are frat guys with nerd names who've managed to be true to themselves and stay popular and dumb. yet so many writers take the shortcut of giving their nerds "nerd" names, which is so hacky and stupid. and while i've been told our protag was named for chuck klosterman, not for the dorkiness of the name itself (altho naming your character after the world's foremost kiss fan is dubious for its own reasons), this shit's gotta end.)

[image: ANYWAY, the real chuck, or, as he's known in most of the world, selfrighteousmetalfan von gingerballs.]

i thought we were in the post-apatow era, where audiences can be trusted to find the sexy in guys like seth rogen and jason segel, not just thrown some hot actor who we're to believe is a nerd because he uses the word RAM, twitches, and is shod in black converse.

and it's not that i find looking at the guy playing chuck to be such a hardship (and three cheers for "chuck" creator josh schwartz for keeping at least one adorable he-jew in primetime for the past five years), but...there's something to be said for keeping it real.

whatever though, it's not like i have anything better to do than watch this show (which is my unofficial slogan for the entire fall tv season), and any show that has a former firefly cast-member on it, especially if he's the hero of canton, is worth a solid try. but i would be so much more willing to buy the stock footage mega-PC, the chyron-puters, and the LA strolls if I could buy the hero, as well, in all of his real-deal, not-hot (tm) glory.

[ps: speaking of suspending disbelief, i can withstand only so much of heroes' humorless, plot hole-y crap, but when you have a character from the 1600s who says things like, "i need to find me a drink," it's like...sure, don't even make a half-assed attempt at giving the guy bullshit shakespearean-speak. why not just go balls out and have the guy say, "i needs to get my drink on, hezizzle"? this show is lazier than i am! and those mangled irish accents at the end-- jaysus! but whatever, see unofficial fall tv slogan. fare thee well for now, boyeeeeeee.]

UPDATE: the actor playing chuck's real last name is not levi, but helm. this is the first time in recorded history, at least as far as i'm concerned, that someone has purposefully hidden their gentile status and faked tribe membership for personal gain. mind blown.