Wednesday, February 27, 2008

a belated valentine to the man in my life

aka, keith olbermann.

[a man so patriotic, the flag doesn't give him a boner, it IS his boner.]

oh, keith. the days have been so long as of late; i haven't been sleeping well, i'm stuck in LA without travel for at least another month, my dog recently squatted and peed on my bathroom rug while i was standing 2 feet away which tells me he was sleepwalking at the time and dreaming not just about being outside, but about being a girl. i keep getting sick and writer's blocked, buzzo keeps getting weirder and harder to clean up after. i'm fed up with nyquil, with my crappy cooking, with the dolor of my day to day. but at least at the end of the day, as the blue cloud lifts and i prepare another shitty dinner, i know that you'll be there for me. in my tivo. and we will make dinner and recover from cold medicine and hate bill o'reilly as one.

you're like jon stewart, but you don't mug, and you have to be taller, and you don't have a bunch of disappointing correspondents (unless you count the guy who made the "pimped" chelsea clinton comment, and i admit, i also don't like how flirty you seem to get with rachel maddow, who has a semi-gay haircut but since i've taken to cutting my own bangs/am one pair of jean shorts away from looking like the og early 90s not-blonde indigo girl, who am i to judge, but still, you better just pretend she's gay because if catch you making eyes at her one more time i'm gonna cut a bitch.)

[baby, it's cool, i'll go get you some of those trader joe's choco-pretzel balls you like to help you relax. and notice i didn't "shush" you, because that shit won't fly with my girl. bitch, i know your life. now, let's play oddball.]

let's break this down simply; danny was a character on sports night, and if his dream dude status weren't proof enough of his being completely fictional, danny actor josh charles' current run as he-nightmare on "in treatment" (a show that's about as amusing as watching flashing christmas lights if those lights were assholes) really hammers home that there could be no danny in real life. all hope is not lost, however, because, as we all know, sports night was based on sports center, a show i've never watched (when not trapped on jet blue during baseball season), but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if casey and dan had real life counter parts, they were dan patrick and yourself. you, with your references to mystery science theater and your take charge "special comments" and your ability to talk to pat buchanan without puking your face and soiling your always-stylish tie. and, unlike danny, you wrote a book when you 14, plus you've been on the simpsons, nevermind that i could spend a whole weekend just lounging around in your eyebrows.

[let's also ignore your whole weirdness with my girl hilz ("which hillary is it today"? the one who's reacting to a statement in context. sometimes she's placid, sometimes she's working people up at a rally, sometimes she's pissed at an obama press's not like she's for the war one day and a socialist the next, i mean, really babe), although let me say this to all the hillary haters out there-- please don't tell me you don't like her because you think she's too political, because that's about 8 shades of stupid. she's a politician. she's supposed to look for compromise on issues, find a middle ground, see policy from all sides. that's like people who resent doctors for being know-it-alls; if you want someone ill-informed in charge of your health, go for it, but me, i'll go for the one who knows it all, thank you very much. i voted in nh for the lady who did right by the state of new york, who's never been found guilty in any of those bullshitty cattle futures/whitewater/whatever investigations, and who can truly get shit done. and if it comes to it, i'll vote for the skinny rookie dude who talks like a preacher, but when it takes him 2 years to get anything done and we've lost the house and the senate, expect an i told you so. but not you keith, because you'll already know. you're just that smart. i bet you could murder chris matthews and not get caught, sayin.]

long story short, happy valentine's day keith. we spent it as we do most evenings; sharing our shitty dinner, discussing the primaries, disliking le rove. i hope i make your best persons list, because when i'm with you, i'm truly closer to fine.

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